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Some cunt at work thinks we should have a 'swear jar'. I think it's a fucking stupid idea.

Sorry I asked whether your toddler's first words were 'phone home'.

"No thanks, I've seen one before." - Me, whenever someone offers to show me their baby photos.

*park by fuel pump* *check number* *start filling* *check* *finish filling* *check* *go to kiosk* "Which number?" *look out the window to check*

I've stacked my CDs in a reverse alphabetical order just so I can have ZZ Top.

“Do you pray when you look at Mastodon, dad?”

“No, why?”

“You say Jesus a lot.”

“How much for the antidepressants?”

“They're cream eclairs, sir!”

“...How much?”