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Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field
PREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth’s gravitational field in an attempt to gain a com…
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https://theonion.com/finnish-ski-jumping-team-caught-tampering-with-earths-gravitational-field/
Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok’s Pedophilia
PALO ALTO, CA—Shouting over the sound of the alarm as it blared through the headquarters of Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence startup, panicked xAI technicians were reportedly throwing levers Monday in a frantic effort to find the one controlling Grok’s pedophilia. “Come o…
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https://theonion.com/panicked-xai-technicians-frantically-throw-levers-to-find-the-one-controlling-groks-pedophilia/
Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats
PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that the average 19th-century American spent roughly 93% of their waking hours waving at trains and boats. “Journal entries from the period …
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https://theonion.com/study-average-19th-century-american-spent-93-of-time-waving-at-trains-boats/