@autistics
How to develop self-esteem so low, that it is able to out limbo dance an earthworm. Or at least in my case.
Be born neurodivergent.
Not know about it for all of your childhood and most of your adulthood.
Realise from your earliest years that virtually everything about you is wrong, at least in terms of how others see it. The way you sit, stand, walk, talk, look, act and think.
Learn to hide and compensate for this as much as you can. If for no other reason that to stop people picking on you and perhaps to feel some sense of belonging. In other words, mask.
Be praised and celebrated for the way your mask looks, knowing full well that it is a lie. That so many of your successes are for things that you see no real value in. That the things you really value are never seen.
Fail repeatedly to see yourself reflected in the world around you. In the actions and attitudes of others. In the ways you are being expected to behave and in the dreams and goals that you are supposed to have. In the books and films and TV and the ways others want to support and push you.
Realise finally that there is only one logical reason for this and that is because you are wrong, broken, incapable of justifying yourself, or being justified.
Seek justification instead in all the ways and down all the paths that the world says it's found. Work hard, be selfless, put all the effort in to try and finally belong, finally be accepted and feel justified. And yet still fail, because no matter how successful you are in work, or relationships, it is never enough. You are just too broken to ever feel it, to ever see yourself in the world, let alone be seen.
Spend your days kicking yourself when you are down. Fawning, people pleasing, struggling always to do better, to find the key that will let you belong and failing, giving always giving and rarely receiving.
This post has been brought to you, by me realising just how deeply ingrained this is in my life. How, even now that I have finally found my answer and clan, the sense of belonging and yes, justification, I always sought, it wants to pull me back down. In part because I used it, whether I realised it or not, as a kind of safety net, a safeguard against being too brave, too open and the pain that was the inevitable result. But mostly, because it was and is a horrible habit of thought and expectation that fuels my Imposter syndrome and doubts. But then, after a lifetime of being nurtured, I suppose it is not as if it is going to go without a fight, or that dealing with it isn't still a work in progress.