Gonna rant on some about the way we talk about parenting
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Gonna rant on some about the way we talk about parenting.
For context, I have one child, he's 11.When our son was a baby, and even a toddler and a preschooler, the thing we heard all the time was "treasure this time, it goes by fast."
Not true.
I mean, in the grand scheme of parenting, those stages are relatively short. And yes, when you look back later, it seems like an eyeblink. But when you're IN those stages, they go by very slow. They feel like they will last forever.
1/? -
Gonna rant on some about the way we talk about parenting.
For context, I have one child, he's 11.When our son was a baby, and even a toddler and a preschooler, the thing we heard all the time was "treasure this time, it goes by fast."
Not true.
I mean, in the grand scheme of parenting, those stages are relatively short. And yes, when you look back later, it seems like an eyeblink. But when you're IN those stages, they go by very slow. They feel like they will last forever.
1/?Treasuring the uniqueness of the time you're in is always good advice, whether applied to parenting or any other aspect of life. But, you know, for a sleep-deprived, stressed out new parent of a young child, "it goes by fast" is not helpful. Or I didn't find it to be.
What I would say to those parents is, it feels like it will last forever, but it won't. It doesn't necessarily get easier or harder, but it gets different. In the first 3 months, it gets different every 2-3 weeks.
2/? -
Treasuring the uniqueness of the time you're in is always good advice, whether applied to parenting or any other aspect of life. But, you know, for a sleep-deprived, stressed out new parent of a young child, "it goes by fast" is not helpful. Or I didn't find it to be.
What I would say to those parents is, it feels like it will last forever, but it won't. It doesn't necessarily get easier or harder, but it gets different. In the first 3 months, it gets different every 2-3 weeks.
2/?I feel like "it goes by fast" is often the sentiment of parents of older kids, who now have opinions, now are pushing back, who maybe don't want anything to do with the parents anymore. I know I'm being unfair and generalizing but I feel like there's a dishonesty, a self-centeredness, in looking back on the infant/toddler stage, and reminiscing about the adorableness while forgetting the sleep deprivation. Goes hand in hand with bemoaning the older kid's belligerence, and ignoring
3/? -
I feel like "it goes by fast" is often the sentiment of parents of older kids, who now have opinions, now are pushing back, who maybe don't want anything to do with the parents anymore. I know I'm being unfair and generalizing but I feel like there's a dishonesty, a self-centeredness, in looking back on the infant/toddler stage, and reminiscing about the adorableness while forgetting the sleep deprivation. Goes hand in hand with bemoaning the older kid's belligerence, and ignoring
3/?the kid's developing independence and unique personality.
These are just the cliches of parenting that people indulge in, but they bug me.
We're very lucky, our son was a delight as a little kid, very even tempered and easily amused. But he demanded someone's attention all the time, and it was exhausting. I just feel like it's better to stay aware of the whole picture, because the whole truth is ultimately beautiful, and also, it's the truth.
4/? -
the kid's developing independence and unique personality.
These are just the cliches of parenting that people indulge in, but they bug me.
We're very lucky, our son was a delight as a little kid, very even tempered and easily amused. But he demanded someone's attention all the time, and it was exhausting. I just feel like it's better to stay aware of the whole picture, because the whole truth is ultimately beautiful, and also, it's the truth.
4/?And by whole picture, I mean past and present. Our son is more difficult now, prone to resist everything we present to him, but he's got a personality now. When he was super little I couldn't wait to see who he would turn out to be, and here we are midway through that process and it's awesome!
So, like, instead of reminiscing about the adorable baby you once had, keep an awareness of the whole experience as it was then and as it is now. It's just going to continue to change.
5/? -
And by whole picture, I mean past and present. Our son is more difficult now, prone to resist everything we present to him, but he's got a personality now. When he was super little I couldn't wait to see who he would turn out to be, and here we are midway through that process and it's awesome!
So, like, instead of reminiscing about the adorable baby you once had, keep an awareness of the whole experience as it was then and as it is now. It's just going to continue to change.
5/?Tangentially related, I wish our culture would acknowledge that parenting is not for everyone.
Some people have no business being parents. If all they have to offer is abuse, there should be avenues of escape for their children.
Some people have no interest in being parents. That's fine, they don't have to. My wife and I delayed parenthood, we quite enjoyed our childless life. Ultimately we did opt for parenthood, and it was the right choice for us, but it's not for everybody.
6/? -
Tangentially related, I wish our culture would acknowledge that parenting is not for everyone.
Some people have no business being parents. If all they have to offer is abuse, there should be avenues of escape for their children.
Some people have no interest in being parents. That's fine, they don't have to. My wife and I delayed parenthood, we quite enjoyed our childless life. Ultimately we did opt for parenthood, and it was the right choice for us, but it's not for everybody.
6/?Gotta go do some family caretaking, might come back to this later with more tangents
7/? -
Gotta go do some family caretaking, might come back to this later with more tangents
7/?rant continues, re: ways people talk about parenting that bug me.
Here's a big one: the family values crowd.
Don't get me wrong; by all means, love your family, celebrate your family, honor and treasure your family. But this is not a value system. This is the bare minimum of being a functional human being.
We are social creatures. We are meant to feel connection and empathy with others. Immediate family is the easiest place to achieve this. It's practically automatic.
8/? -
rant continues, re: ways people talk about parenting that bug me.
Here's a big one: the family values crowd.
Don't get me wrong; by all means, love your family, celebrate your family, honor and treasure your family. But this is not a value system. This is the bare minimum of being a functional human being.
We are social creatures. We are meant to feel connection and empathy with others. Immediate family is the easiest place to achieve this. It's practically automatic.
8/?When someone proclaims family values as their guiding philosophy, what I hear is, they are not particularly interested in anyone or anything outside the circle of their daily life.
Plus, they're excluding people who come from abusive families. Some family members are entirely undeserving of honor or celebration. There are people who have fled nightmare families and formed closer, healthier bonds with friends. What are they supposed to feel when someone crows "family values?"
9/? -
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